Be The Voice, Speak Truth.
I wanted to die.
On many occasions. My Lord, those were some low days. I would wake up from a night of rest still feeling depleted and exhausted.
Throughout many a days, I said to myself “I hate my life.” Self destructive at every turn while feeling unlovable and unloved. I found myself on endless quests to find even the slightest bit of happiness in ways that only made me feel worse.
Searching to find ways to live up to the expectations I thought I was failing in some form or another. Realizing they were not the expectations I had for myself. It was as if no matter how hard I wanted to fit in, there wasn’t a place for me to do so.
My inner being was screaming hear me, acknowledge me, understand me. Anything to gain even a semblance of approval. I became a professional at pushing things so far down I wouldn’t have to think about whatever I believed in my mind, I was doing “wrong”.
My first child saved my life. My blessing. My light. There was an actual purpose for me to keep going. There was another person depending on me; failing her wasn’t an option I would give myself.
More than anything, I desperately wanted to learn how I could place myself in a better position to save her from the same pain I had felt for so long. Even though, I knew she would eventually have to tread her own path someday. There became a need to learn how to not only survive but to live in a way that showed her it was possible. A way that showed her not to give up.
Once I gave birth to my second blessing of love and light, the need became mandatory. These two amazing humans were a gift in my life for me to guide and teach. How could I possibly imagine letting them down? The fear of doing so pushed me further into the realization the time had come for me to make some changes in my life.
Traveling down the same paths of self destruction wasn’t beneficial in leading my daughters towards a different way of life than what I had lived.
The thing is, no matter how much I desired to save them from pain in their futures. I began to recognize to make any type of changes, to even stand a chance at feeling better within myself, it was important for me to desire change for myself.
There was no way around me having to revisit the areas in my life I had so neatly tucked away. Believing they were safe and no longer necessary. [ctt template=”3″ link=”FDdLP” via=”no” ]It’s funny how life has a way of showing up in ways to constantly remind us of areas we should look at in order to move past them. [/ctt]
Right when you think you don’t have to deal with a particular area of life anymore, here comes some uninvited situation to remind us and/or trigger in us a response that feels all too familiar. Although, the specific situation itself is completely different.
I started to see patterns in my way of dealing with issues completely unrelated to one another, yet dealt with similarly due to past hurts. There had to be another way to navigate the spaces in between.
So I embarked on a journey to find answers. To gain a better understanding of who I am and why I was continuing to do things to purposely sabotage my own happiness consistently.
It was time for me to grow up; to begin to realize the events in my life were not a means to give up on myself.
Hear me when I tell you, the journey has been extremely hard and often times very lonely. Continually filled with yet more pain. I remember at one point, I would sit or lay and wonder how it was even possible the level of pain I felt could be handled by just one person.
There is no exact moment of clarity which reminds me of when I knew in my heart I believed God is real. A higher power. I do know, no matter how lonely I felt I was never alone because I could always feel a presence in the background, or so it always felt. Guiding my footsteps. It was then, I began to trust in my faith.
I began the journey to trust that no matter how much I hurt; I knew deep down, I would be okay. I was going to make it, I had a story.
The same way I knew my two incredible blessings would need me available to encourage their growth, I knew my pain could encourage and add hope for someone else. Others who may feel similarly while they navigate through the ups and downs life brings.
I cannot nor would I claim to have all the answers to know exactly how another feels on their journey through life.
I can however, offer a voice. I can speak from my heart to yours.
I firmly believe, if I’ve been able to survive living through all of my struggles, through all of the times I wanted nothing more than to give up and call it quit; I would like to encourage within you, that you can and you WILL too.
I only ask you pay me with love and promise to pay it forward.
Are you up for the challenge?
Trust the process…
Keep the faith…
Release the shame…
| Shameless Voices |
(photo credit: @mamatez)
